I remember when I first came across the article “If only I were thin like her I’d be happy like her” (best article title, IMO). I found this contingent thinking applied to so many aspects of my life. If only I had tenure, I’d feel secure. If only I had a prestigious job, I’d feel validated and respected. If only I had my shit together, I’d feel like I had good work/life balance. If only I could do more, I’d feel like I had it all. But these are false equivalencies, and they leave us feeling worse, rather than motivated, in the long run.
So much of what we do (or don’t do) is driven by how we want to feel. We are often chasing a feeling-- of comfort, security, love, acceptance, validation, accomplishment, inclusion, happiness.
Critically, we tell ourselves that we can’t have —and don’t deserve— that feeling until we accomplish our goal.
We tend to fear and avoid the things that threaten these goals. In many cases, rejection is the thing we think is standing in our way (both socially and academically). Our brains evolved to favor these feelings, and to encourage us to seek them because these are the things we believe, on a conscious or unconscious level, will ensure our survival.
But.
We tend to hold ourselves hostage while we are waiting for these good things to arrive. I can’t let myself relax, I need to worry about how much work I got done. I can’t feel accomplished, I am not running a big research lab at an R1. I can’t feel good about my small accomplishments, because [some other person I compare myself to] has more. I can’t let myself enjoy a dessert, I need to hold myself accountable and don’t deserve this unless I’ve exercised. Let me be clear: this type of thinking, while common, is not usually helpful to us. It reinforces negative messages about who we need to be or what we need to do in order to be worthy of success, gratitude, security, happiness.
We allow ourselves to perpetually stay on the hook with the guilt, or shame, or criticism, or fear, because we are afraid of what might happen if we loosen up that tight grip of mental control. We are afraid that we will be lazy, and won’t get our work done. We’re afraid we’ll gain weight, that we will be unproductive. We are afraid we will lose our status or our job, or we won’t get promoted. We tell ourselves that we can’t slow down or we might fail, we might lose our edge, we might stop striving. We might not reach our potential and we will never be happy.
There’s another way to handle this.
Give yourself permission to feel the good feeling first, before you accomplish whatever the “thing” is. This will feel foreign and uncomfortable at first. And, it is easier to do this when you allow yourself to feel less tied to the outcome. But you can also feel less tied to an outcome when you stop believing that feeling good or deciding that you’re ok/successful does not depend on the outcome.
Rather, figuring out how to transform the process of reaching that outcome is the key. Transform it by letting yourself feel good now, before you accomplish all the things. Recognize and acknowledge all of the things you HAVE already accomplished.
Once you start feeling good first, the work and accomplishments will flow in a way that feels much easier and more enjoyable than when you were striving really hard for those things. We want these things to feel a certain way; if we can feel that way now, what’s the downside? Here’s my suggestion: do an experiment where you let yourself feel good first. If this doesn’t work, you can go right back to the contingent thinking of I need to do/be ____ in order to feel ____.